So, basically, I'm Sandra Bullock's character from 'The Heat' and while that #SingleCatLadyLyfe has been fun and great and all, I'm tired of being the only one washing the dishes and paying the AT&T bills. So, I half-joined Match.com, of course. Because everyone deserves a soulmate to share the wifi (and only the wifi) with, right? Right. I mean obviously I'm right about this. What I am/was NOT right about, was deciding to use Match.com. Why? Because the best way to explain how Match.com compatibility analytics work is: If you're a human with a profile and seeking another human who also has a profile, then you're deemed matches by moronic Match.com! As the one and only Keith Leopard (because this one was too good not to give him credit for) put it, I basically "signed up for MisMatch.com." Alas, while I've certainly been entertained by Match.com's joke of an app, the 30 gentlemen below are probably all fabulous and superb lads deserving of soulmates like the rest of us, but simply happen to NOT be my fabulous and superb soulmate-lad; scroll down for reasons why.
Um... Are you sure you don't already have a kid or two that just may be hiding in your SeaFish 'do??
Of course I wouldn't have any dull moments around ya, you
pimp master "EliteMonk," you!
I respect your "kids? meh..." honesty here, but an IT professional... Sir, are you sure? I'm just saying, but considering the quality of this selfie... I dunno...
I would like to never discuss "myflavours" or your flavors or any flavors with any person or app or matchmaker. There is no right person to discuss your flavors with, sir. #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck
Huh? Tablespoons of American Ninja warrior? And what is Samaritan salt? Do you get that at Whole Foods? I mean, what...
First, I only say "YES" to your shirt jacket thing because surely you have to get those mailed from outta town... But, it does make sense now to me why your username would be "maildallas" vs. the standard "maledallas" or the like. And second, I *almost* considered you a 2% or so match considering those hilariously witty words, "professionally made nice picture," you hilarious Dallas male, you! #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck
It's okay, man lost in Dallas. Most days US-75 and/or Garland Road have me feeling lost and looking for the nearest dart board to pose my head against for a picture, too. #NeverGiveUp
Sir, did you take this picture after your Mavs lost or something??? #TurnThatFrownUpsideDown #UnlessYouHaveNoTeethThenNotSmilingOnHereWorksInYourFavor! #KeepOnKeepingOn
Nope, Nada, and Never to any fav-ing, winking, or come-hither-ing to ya, sir. #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoingYou!
That better be a birth mark because I question your personality/imagination/inspiration/entire existence if a hickey, or perhaps a leftover lipstick smooch from ya homegirl (or homeboy, or home-whatever-you-may-be-into) is your idea of self-expression, sir... #SorryCharlie #NeverGiveUpTho
Trust me, with that stare you're sportin' there, I wouldn't be surprised if the only surprise to come out of all of this was you finding your soulmate because, surprise! #ItAintMe #ILoveSurprises #SorryStraightForwardAndSeriousSammy
I'll be honest, as a major Kenny G fan, I was intrigued by the "jazz" in your username, mister. But this here
fun cutie decently-normal human being was never going to be yours once anything flavor-related was mentioned. #WhatsWithAllTheFlavors?! #StopWithTheFlavors #NoMoreFlavors!!!!
#LOLZ #LOLZ #LOLZ
No, no you don't. Neither you nor your one "faux pack" want to do my dishes ever, sir. #ThisIsntCraigslist #IDontNeedHousecleaners #NeverGiveUpTho #YouWillFindHerOneDay
How was I NOT going to stop and check out the profile of Match.com's very own Dia de los Muertos star?! #WhatIsHappening
I feel like a "London Loves Legit" reality dating series by Bravo would be more "standard" and/or "appropriate" for you, ya little globetrotting, basically-half-doctor, MBA star, you! #DallasiteDilemmas #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoinYouTho #ShesOutThereSomewhere
Umm... So... Would you need my car for roadtrips to Louisiana? Or... What? #TryToContainYourExcitement #Awkward #IWishYouTheBestOfLuckTho #GoodHeadBodyAndCarGirlIsOutThere #YoullFindHer
'Sarcasm by Sparkles 101: The Official Guide To Online Dating Profiles For The Funny, The Lovers, & The Funny Lovers' should be a thing. And if you agree, sir, then so should you and me. (Like, be a thing, I mean. #ButOnlyIfYoureBeingWittyHere #IHopeYouAreActuallyJokingSir #SurelyYouAreJoking #IMeanSurely... #NervousLaughter
I am absolutely convinced that you are #NewToDallas because only people that are new to Dallas take a picture next to random/unknown/sketchy walls of graffiti likely found in only Dallas' most random/unknown/sketchy neighborhoods. #JustSayin #GetItGraffitiGreg #YouSeemFunTho #WishingYouTheBestOfDallasDatingLuck
Unfortunately, my search is not over. Ya may be the best free ad for the NYT that myself Match.com have ever seen, but I wouldn't know because there are 10 humans in this pic, so... #SorryCharlie #WheresWaldoMatchEdition #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
MySearchMustGoOn, 25, Dallas, TX
Um, no, mister man, you won't be completing anything soon / there will be zero kids you want existing "someday" because you have tiger/bear/[insert whatever large animal here] claws around your head/face!!!!!! #PETAWhereAreYou #GodBlessYou
I want to get to know your wings! #GreenWing #BlueWing
You know, I'm just gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here, sir... #AllTheDallasLove
What's most important is, do I get Vitamin water if I date you? Like do you come with Vitamin Water, sir? If so, I might (but probs not) re-consider despite the inappropriateness that is your "Puss and dog blah blah blah" word vomit confusion.
Trust me, there's no "disappoint" here. I vote WhiteAndNerdy over "wild rock parties and long alcohol binges" any day of the week, sir. #DontBeAfraidToBeYou #NeverGiveUp
What's sad is that I'm actually not confident enough of a woman/human to holler back a "hey, boo!" to anyone named "HeyyyBoooo"...
There are zero things "child like" about your facial hair. However, I am intrigued, Brian, as to what cosmic kisses are... #CallMeMaybe #IdRatherBeGivenCosmicKidsOverCosmicKissesTho
Is this a 2-for-1 deal? Because I say hey, why not, you can come along with the monkey, too, sir! #SingleAnimalLoverProbs #MonkeyForMarriage #MarriageForMonkey
*Sigh*... No need for you and/or your summary, sir. It's clear by now that while you may be Dan the outstanding man, the only homeslice I'll ever be compatible with is the thin cheese slice in yo' hand. #PIZZA #PizzaAlwaysWins #SingleGirlProbs #PapaJohnIsntOnMatchDotCom
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