Friday, November 13, 2015

(MIS)MATCH.COM: 30 TIMES MY SOULMATE-FINDER APP FAILED...

So, basically, I'm Sandra Bullock's character from 'The Heat' and while that #SingleCatLadyLyfe has been fun and great and all, I'm tired of being the only one washing the dishes and paying the AT&T bills. So, I half-joined Match.com, of course. Because everyone deserves a soulmate to share the wifi (and only the wifi) with, right? Right. I mean obviously I'm right about this. What I am/was NOT right about, was deciding to use Match.com. Why? Because the best way to explain how Match.com compatibility analytics work is: If you're a human with a profile and seeking another human who also has a profile, then you're deemed matches by moronic Match.com! As the one and only Keith Leopard (because this one was too good not to give him credit for) put it, I basically "signed up for MisMatch.com." Alas, while I've certainly been entertained by Match.com's joke of an app, the 30 gentlemen below are probably all fabulous and superb lads deserving of soulmates like the rest of us, but simply happen to NOT be my fabulous and superb soulmate-lad; scroll down for reasons why.  

1. SeaFish
Um... Are you sure you don't already have a kid or two that just may be hiding in your SeaFish 'do?? 


2. EliteMonk
Of course I wouldn't have any dull moments around ya, you pimp master "EliteMonk," you! 


3. Lannotech
 I respect your "kids? meh..." honesty here, but an IT professional... Sir, are you sure? I'm just saying, but considering the quality of this selfie... I dunno... 


4. myflavours
I would like to never discuss "myflavours" or your flavors or any flavors with any person or app or matchmaker. There is no right person to discuss your flavors with, sir. #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck


5. quietstorm
Huh? Tablespoons of American Ninja warrior? And what is Samaritan salt? Do you get that at Whole Foods? I mean, what... 


6. maildallas
First, I only say "YES" to your shirt jacket thing because surely you have to get those mailed from outta town... But, it does make sense now to me why your username would be "maildallas" vs. the standard "maledallas" or the like. And second, I *almost* considered you a 2% or so match considering those hilariously witty words, "professionally made nice picture," you hilarious Dallas male, you! #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck 


7. lost_in_dallas81
It's okay, man lost in Dallas. Most days US-75 and/or Garland Road have me feeling lost and looking for the nearest dart board to pose my head against for a picture, too. #NeverGiveUp


8. DtownMavsfan86
Sir, did you take this picture after your Mavs lost or something??? #TurnThatFrownUpsideDown #UnlessYouHaveNoTeethThenNotSmilingOnHereWorksInYourFavor! #KeepOnKeepingOn


9. ComeHither70
Nope, Nada, and Never to any fav-ing, winking, or come-hither-ing to ya, sir. #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoingYou!


10. chaketin1
That better be a birth mark because I question your personality/imagination/inspiration/entire existence if a hickey, or perhaps a leftover lipstick smooch from ya homegirl (or homeboy, or home-whatever-you-may-be-into) is your idea of self-expression, sir... #SorryCharlie #NeverGiveUpTho


11. Trung
Trust me, with that stare you're sportin' there, I wouldn't be surprised if the only surprise to come out of all of this was you finding your soulmate because, surprise! #ItAintMe #ILoveSurprises #SorryStraightForwardAndSeriousSammy


12. jazzflavored
I'll be honest, as a major Kenny G fan, I was intrigued by the "jazz" in your username, mister. But this here fun cutie decently-normal human being was never going to be yours once anything flavor-related was mentioned. #WhatsWithAllTheFlavors?! #StopWithTheFlavors #NoMoreFlavors!!!! 


13. ImBetterThanUrEx
#LOLZ #LOLZ #LOLZ 
#YouWontFindMeInAStripClub 
#YouProbablyAreBetterThanMyExThough 


14. IWant2DoUrDishes
No, no you don't. Neither you nor your one "faux pack" want to do my dishes ever, sir. #ThisIsntCraigslist #IDontNeedHousecleaners #NeverGiveUpTho #YouWillFindHerOneDay


15. TheSuitJ
How was I NOT going to stop and check out the profile of Match.com's very own Dia de los Muertos star?! #WhatIsHappening 


16. legit526
I feel like a "London Loves Legit" reality dating series by Bravo would be more "standard" and/or "appropriate" for you, ya little globetrotting, basically-half-doctor, MBA star, you! #DallasiteDilemmas #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoinYouTho #ShesOutThereSomewhere


17. louisiana318
Umm... So... Would you need my car for roadtrips to Louisiana? Or... What? #TryToContainYourExcitement #Awkward #IWishYouTheBestOfLuckTho #GoodHeadBodyAndCarGirlIsOutThere #YoullFindHer 


18. Sparkles74
'Sarcasm by Sparkles 101: The Official Guide To Online Dating Profiles For The Funny, The Lovers, & The Funny Lovers' should be a thing. And if you agree, sir, then so should you and me. (Like, be a thing, I mean. #ButOnlyIfYoureBeingWittyHere #IHopeYouAreActuallyJokingSir #SurelyYouAreJoking #IMeanSurely... #NervousLaughter


19. NewToDallas
I am absolutely convinced that you are #NewToDallas because only people that are new to Dallas take a picture next to random/unknown/sketchy walls of graffiti likely found in only Dallas' most random/unknown/sketchy neighborhoods. #JustSayin #GetItGraffitiGreg #YouSeemFunTho #WishingYouTheBestOfDallasDatingLuck


20. UrSearchIsOver
 Unfortunately, my search is not over. Ya may be the best free ad for the NYT that myself Match.com have ever seen, but I wouldn't know because there are 10 humans in this pic, so... #SorryCharlie #WheresWaldoMatchEdition #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
XOXO, 
MySearchMustGoOn, 25, Dallas, TX


21. prl42381
Um, no, mister man, you won't be completing anything soon / there will be zero kids you want existing "someday"  because you have tiger/bear/[insert whatever large animal here] claws around your head/face!!!!!! #PETAWhereAreYou #GodBlessYou


22. OneGreenOneBrown
I want to get to know your wings! #GreenWing #BlueWing 


23. CupidsDad
#WhatIsHappening #Again 


24. Love_Dallas1975
You know, I'm just gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here, sir... #AllTheDallasLove 


25. Vitamin_Water
What's most important is, do I get Vitamin water if I date you? Like do you come with Vitamin Water, sir? If so, I might (but probs not) re-consider despite the inappropriateness that is your "Puss and dog blah blah blah" word vomit confusion. 


26. WhiteAndNerdy102
Trust me, there's no "disappoint" here. I vote WhiteAndNerdy over "wild rock parties and long alcohol binges" any day of the week, sir. #DontBeAfraidToBeYou #NeverGiveUp 


27. HeyyyBoooo
What's sad is that I'm actually not confident enough of a woman/human to holler back a "hey, boo!" to anyone named "HeyyyBoooo"... 


28. CosmicKisses4u
There are zero things "child like" about your facial hair. However, I am intrigued, Brian, as to what cosmic kisses are... #CallMeMaybe #IdRatherBeGivenCosmicKidsOverCosmicKissesTho 


29. DallasRunner204
Is this a 2-for-1 deal? Because I say hey, why not, you can come along with the monkey, too, sir! #SingleAnimalLoverProbs #MonkeyForMarriage #MarriageForMonkey


30. DanPDFW
*Sigh*... No need for you and/or your summary, sir. It's clear by now that while you may be Dan the outstanding man, the only homeslice I'll ever be compatible with is the thin cheese slice in yo' hand. #PIZZA #PizzaAlwaysWins #SingleGirlProbs #PapaJohnIsntOnMatchDotCom




more 20-something ramblings - by mallory nutt - @malloryjn - www.malloryjn.blogspot.com ©


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