Tuesday, November 17, 2015

17 GIFTS FOR THE SINGLE 20-SOMETHINGS, CRIME-SHOW LOVERS, & CAT LADIES IN YOUR LIFE!

Courtesy of Giphy.com

Alright, today, Tuesday, November 17, 2015 is my official half-birthday. I'm 25.5, so cheers to me! (Albeit a non-alcoholic cheers, thanks to me going on a little over month three of sobriety! Yep, you read that right, folks!) And so anywho, initially I was going to do a tri-series on the best holiday gifts out there (and by "out there" I mean the best of Google search page one) for those single 20-somethings, cat ladies, and/or crime-show-loving lovers in your life. 

However, I just decided to take the path of least resistance because if I'm an all-in-one, "all-in-one" meaning I'm all about things cats, crime shows, and love, but also equal parts single, 20-something, and lady... surely other all-in-ones are out there, too. Surely. (Hopefully.) Thus, an all-in-one post here making it easy for all you glorious, global genius-readers of mine.

E N J O Y !

#1 HOMICIDE HUNTER MY MY MY MUG SIGNED BY JOE KENDA
$25 via DiscoveryChannel.com

UM, AUTOGRAPHED BY THE JOE KENDA?! #YESPLEASE! Not only is Joe Kenda the national crime-fighting treasure of our country world, he's basically the ID Channel's legend of all legends. I mean, for the price of one (1) Cinemark-NorthPark movie ticket and bag of popcorn (the size of a toddler's knee cap, BTW) you could instead be saying "My My My!" with the limited edition My My My Mug. I don't know how else to express my feelings on this priceless gift besides listing it at numero uno. My only other wish was that the My My My Mug came in My My My Wine Glass version as well; which I expressed very well to the Discovery online store people. (Because that's how much I love ya, JDL, so you're welcome!)


#2 LEACHCO SNOOGLE TOTAL BODY PILLOW
$60 via Amazon.com

If you want to gift warmth, love, and support (literally and figuratively speaking) to that 25-year-old single niece of yours, here ya go! No massive Alaskan husky or lover-man-friend-boy-thing to nap with? Worry no more! As long as it's ordered in the mauve color pictured above, and not the other khaki, white, and gray colors offered, for obvious 20-something lady reasons, the Snoogle Pillow will solve your homegirl's problem* instantly!  [ *Disclaimer - It is not advised that Snoogle be used, given, and/or expected as a permanent and/or professional solution (i.e. therapists, Lexapro, Patti Stanger individuals, etc.) to any assumed single lady or single-something problem(s). ] 


#3 THE CRAZY CAT LADY GAME
$20 via Amazon.com

Gah. Talk about an A++ for this one. I mean, really, does this even need a sales pitch? I think not. And if you think so, well, we can't all be #blessed, so perhaps it's best you click out of here and on to Google to search the word 'humor' and read all about it.


#4 CRAZY CAT LADY COLORING BOOK
$8 via Amazon.com

Coloring book therapy is all the craze currently so not only is this the cheapest coloring book I've found, it's also the most GENIUS because it involves cats and we all know animals are natural therapists, so this one's a double whammy. Heck, you don't even need an excuse like the holidays to gift this to someone!


#5 HOMICIDE HUNTER FLAT KENDA
$10 via DiscoveryChannel.com

Again, this one's a no-brainer, folks. See #1 for any confusion re: this mini cardboard cut-out of The Honorable Joe Kenda. My desk needs it. Your desk needs it. Really, all of our desks need it. 



Because only a 20-something "cat lady" could get away with wearing this remarkable piece of clothing. Sure, it's kinda lame that with such a hefty price tag no cat is included. But then again, Unihabitat is a Japanese company with a website written only in Japanese, so, I mean, for all I know a cat may be included in all the fine print. Regardless, major snaps to Stephen Messenger of The Dodo animal website-blog for this groundbreaking piece of journalism, and a major thanks to my fabulous co-worker/friend, Christine Lara, for sharing it with me! Now we all can have this Japanese work of art philanthropic, multi-purposed wardrobe staple in our closets! 

You ask, "Why?" 
I ask, "Why the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks Not?!"



Why this doesn't come in the form of a precious angel tree topper is beyond me, but this'll do for now. 





...




Yet another remarkable and stunning piece meant for any 'Death & Destruction' fanatics' and/or long-haired cat ladies' wardrobes!



#11 NETFLIX

Duh. 




So evidently this "Garden of Wishes flower kit" comes with six different kinds of seeds, all with special meanings, and basically the instructions say to give 'em water and sunlight, and then watch all your wishes come true. Alas, I am *the* target consumer for junk like this because what would I have to lose burying seeds that could potentially bloom a husband, 2016 Escalade, miniature pony farm, Nutella trees, lifetime Poppin product supply, and a smorgasbord of overflowing Barclays accounts for me? Nada. 




Who doesn't love Pac-Man?! (Well, let's be honest, I'm sure someone on my Match.com app, actually...) Entertainment not only for the cat but also the cat mom and/or single lady, am I right? Really, though, relationship status means nothing here because even the lads of all my taken ladies would agree that this would be one of the most expensive best gifts ever!      



For obvious reasons.  




The single, 20-something girl's DREAM. All of the 408,220,376 'Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley' tapes and Disney classics in DVD format just waiting to be marathon-ed away...   



Oh how I pray for the day I finally get one of these... By far this is one of the best stocking stuffer gifts out there, folks! 




Because all 20-somethings need lots of sleep and deserve to have the best ZZZs all day, 'er day. 




Hammacher Schlemmer hit the jackpot with this one! I'd almost be willing to fork my own $70 over for one of these just so I could be the most annoying person at the holiday parties, and then every get-together thereafter. Also what cat wouldn't love this?! Numerous uses here, folks! And for less than a hundred buckaroos! 



 

I've wanted this thing since for as long as I can remember. Because who needs a boyfriend if you've got a singing gondolier man instead? No pool? No prob. I think he'd look just fine on any apartment balcony or townhouse stoop. 




Oh, mylanta! I may have to sell some books at the Half Price, but it'd so be worth it for my baby girls back home, Phoebe Gail and Dixie Bell! 



A set of two would be great for anybody! One on the left bedside table for pet treats, and one on the right bedside table full of Trader Joe's Mini-Peanut Butter Cups. #YesPlease 



Now I'm just getting to the point where I'm listing things that I want. I'm single so I definitely could use this at home and not feel judged by anyone but my pet fish. 



Oh, boy... I'd treat anyone to a Yellowstone camping trip who'd be willing to rough it with me in this gem! 



Beautiful. Just beautiful. The things I could do with this thing on White Rock Lake... #MyHeartWillGoOn #AlongWithMyWishList 



I'm sorry, but everyone needs a dashboard Jesus. Really, we do. Not only do I love the Big Man but I'd also love the reminder He'd portray to any ticket-hungry Dallas PD officers that, hey, we all make mistakes, and we all should be forgiven, instead of written [up].


Courtesy of Giphy.com


more 20-something ramblings - by mallory nutt - @malloryjn - www.malloryjn.blogspot.com ©

Friday, November 13, 2015

(MIS)MATCH.COM: 30 TIMES MY SOULMATE-FINDER APP FAILED...

So, basically, I'm Sandra Bullock's character from 'The Heat' and while that #SingleCatLadyLyfe has been fun and great and all, I'm tired of being the only one washing the dishes and paying the AT&T bills. So, I half-joined Match.com, of course. Because everyone deserves a soulmate to share the wifi (and only the wifi) with, right? Right. I mean obviously I'm right about this. What I am/was NOT right about, was deciding to use Match.com. Why? Because the best way to explain how Match.com compatibility analytics work is: If you're a human with a profile and seeking another human who also has a profile, then you're deemed matches by moronic Match.com! As the one and only Keith Leopard (because this one was too good not to give him credit for) put it, I basically "signed up for MisMatch.com." Alas, while I've certainly been entertained by Match.com's joke of an app, the 30 gentlemen below are probably all fabulous and superb lads deserving of soulmates like the rest of us, but simply happen to NOT be my fabulous and superb soulmate-lad; scroll down for reasons why.  

1. SeaFish
Um... Are you sure you don't already have a kid or two that just may be hiding in your SeaFish 'do?? 


2. EliteMonk
Of course I wouldn't have any dull moments around ya, you pimp master "EliteMonk," you! 


3. Lannotech
 I respect your "kids? meh..." honesty here, but an IT professional... Sir, are you sure? I'm just saying, but considering the quality of this selfie... I dunno... 


4. myflavours
I would like to never discuss "myflavours" or your flavors or any flavors with any person or app or matchmaker. There is no right person to discuss your flavors with, sir. #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck


5. quietstorm
Huh? Tablespoons of American Ninja warrior? And what is Samaritan salt? Do you get that at Whole Foods? I mean, what... 


6. maildallas
First, I only say "YES" to your shirt jacket thing because surely you have to get those mailed from outta town... But, it does make sense now to me why your username would be "maildallas" vs. the standard "maledallas" or the like. And second, I *almost* considered you a 2% or so match considering those hilariously witty words, "professionally made nice picture," you hilarious Dallas male, you! #ButIWishYouTheBestOfLuck 


7. lost_in_dallas81
It's okay, man lost in Dallas. Most days US-75 and/or Garland Road have me feeling lost and looking for the nearest dart board to pose my head against for a picture, too. #NeverGiveUp


8. DtownMavsfan86
Sir, did you take this picture after your Mavs lost or something??? #TurnThatFrownUpsideDown #UnlessYouHaveNoTeethThenNotSmilingOnHereWorksInYourFavor! #KeepOnKeepingOn


9. ComeHither70
Nope, Nada, and Never to any fav-ing, winking, or come-hither-ing to ya, sir. #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoingYou!


10. chaketin1
That better be a birth mark because I question your personality/imagination/inspiration/entire existence if a hickey, or perhaps a leftover lipstick smooch from ya homegirl (or homeboy, or home-whatever-you-may-be-into) is your idea of self-expression, sir... #SorryCharlie #NeverGiveUpTho


11. Trung
Trust me, with that stare you're sportin' there, I wouldn't be surprised if the only surprise to come out of all of this was you finding your soulmate because, surprise! #ItAintMe #ILoveSurprises #SorryStraightForwardAndSeriousSammy


12. jazzflavored
I'll be honest, as a major Kenny G fan, I was intrigued by the "jazz" in your username, mister. But this here fun cutie decently-normal human being was never going to be yours once anything flavor-related was mentioned. #WhatsWithAllTheFlavors?! #StopWithTheFlavors #NoMoreFlavors!!!! 


13. ImBetterThanUrEx
#LOLZ #LOLZ #LOLZ 
#YouWontFindMeInAStripClub 
#YouProbablyAreBetterThanMyExThough 


14. IWant2DoUrDishes
No, no you don't. Neither you nor your one "faux pack" want to do my dishes ever, sir. #ThisIsntCraigslist #IDontNeedHousecleaners #NeverGiveUpTho #YouWillFindHerOneDay


15. TheSuitJ
How was I NOT going to stop and check out the profile of Match.com's very own Dia de los Muertos star?! #WhatIsHappening 


16. legit526
I feel like a "London Loves Legit" reality dating series by Bravo would be more "standard" and/or "appropriate" for you, ya little globetrotting, basically-half-doctor, MBA star, you! #DallasiteDilemmas #SorryCharlie #YouKeepDoinYouTho #ShesOutThereSomewhere


17. louisiana318
Umm... So... Would you need my car for roadtrips to Louisiana? Or... What? #TryToContainYourExcitement #Awkward #IWishYouTheBestOfLuckTho #GoodHeadBodyAndCarGirlIsOutThere #YoullFindHer 


18. Sparkles74
'Sarcasm by Sparkles 101: The Official Guide To Online Dating Profiles For The Funny, The Lovers, & The Funny Lovers' should be a thing. And if you agree, sir, then so should you and me. (Like, be a thing, I mean. #ButOnlyIfYoureBeingWittyHere #IHopeYouAreActuallyJokingSir #SurelyYouAreJoking #IMeanSurely... #NervousLaughter


19. NewToDallas
I am absolutely convinced that you are #NewToDallas because only people that are new to Dallas take a picture next to random/unknown/sketchy walls of graffiti likely found in only Dallas' most random/unknown/sketchy neighborhoods. #JustSayin #GetItGraffitiGreg #YouSeemFunTho #WishingYouTheBestOfDallasDatingLuck


20. UrSearchIsOver
 Unfortunately, my search is not over. Ya may be the best free ad for the NYT that myself Match.com have ever seen, but I wouldn't know because there are 10 humans in this pic, so... #SorryCharlie #WheresWaldoMatchEdition #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
XOXO, 
MySearchMustGoOn, 25, Dallas, TX


21. prl42381
Um, no, mister man, you won't be completing anything soon / there will be zero kids you want existing "someday"  because you have tiger/bear/[insert whatever large animal here] claws around your head/face!!!!!! #PETAWhereAreYou #GodBlessYou


22. OneGreenOneBrown
I want to get to know your wings! #GreenWing #BlueWing 


23. CupidsDad
#WhatIsHappening #Again 


24. Love_Dallas1975
You know, I'm just gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here, sir... #AllTheDallasLove 


25. Vitamin_Water
What's most important is, do I get Vitamin water if I date you? Like do you come with Vitamin Water, sir? If so, I might (but probs not) re-consider despite the inappropriateness that is your "Puss and dog blah blah blah" word vomit confusion. 


26. WhiteAndNerdy102
Trust me, there's no "disappoint" here. I vote WhiteAndNerdy over "wild rock parties and long alcohol binges" any day of the week, sir. #DontBeAfraidToBeYou #NeverGiveUp 


27. HeyyyBoooo
What's sad is that I'm actually not confident enough of a woman/human to holler back a "hey, boo!" to anyone named "HeyyyBoooo"... 


28. CosmicKisses4u
There are zero things "child like" about your facial hair. However, I am intrigued, Brian, as to what cosmic kisses are... #CallMeMaybe #IdRatherBeGivenCosmicKidsOverCosmicKissesTho 


29. DallasRunner204
Is this a 2-for-1 deal? Because I say hey, why not, you can come along with the monkey, too, sir! #SingleAnimalLoverProbs #MonkeyForMarriage #MarriageForMonkey


30. DanPDFW
*Sigh*... No need for you and/or your summary, sir. It's clear by now that while you may be Dan the outstanding man, the only homeslice I'll ever be compatible with is the thin cheese slice in yo' hand. #PIZZA #PizzaAlwaysWins #SingleGirlProbs #PapaJohnIsntOnMatchDotCom




more 20-something ramblings - by mallory nutt - @malloryjn - www.malloryjn.blogspot.com ©


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