Monday, December 1, 2014

My Black Friday Experience As Told By Jim Carrey...

As we all know, the hot mess and unofficial holiday that is known as Black Friday went down a few days ago; while I fully support those handful of hippie retailers saying YES to family and turkey and NO to capitalism cravings (for once in a blue moon), I obviously am not going to miss a blog-worthy event. Also it's basically a family tradition at this point for my mother, sister, and I because we live for experiencing PeopleofWalmart.com live. So, I admit, I participated in the festivities and at an East Texas Wal-Mart, no less. And all I can say is that I only wish I had had the GoPro attached to my forehead last Thursday night, because it saddens my cynical soul that I am unable to share with you guys all that was witnessed. However, I found some Giphy gems surely to portray with accuracy our early-bird eventing, so please enjoy... 
5:00PM: My sister and I on a mission for $1.99 Gravity deals & walking in towards the DVD section with way too much confidence...
Yeah, you read that right, we got there proudly at 5PM. It's a sad sport us Nutt women join forces to conquer... 
5:02PM: After we turned the corner & saw the 92 other DVD-loving fools already in line at 5PM... 

5:05PM: When mom asked where our DVDs were after finding her in some mom-item line with our tails beneath our legs & feeling defeated with no plan... 
5:58PM: Me when my sister suggested that I be the one to swoon 18-year-old-country-boy-policeman guarding the DVD line entrance while she sneakily bypasses through once the clock hits 6... 
6:01PM: Me to the 92 toothless Tina's still in line & waiting for brains to arrive when my sister's plan works, we stealthily snagged the DVDs as planned within a minute, & are about to skedaddle... 
6:06PM: My sister & I when mom claims her line won't be opening for sale 'til 8...
6:07PM: Me to my mom for her adorable sense of humor when she insists we still have 2 more hours in line...
7:22PM: Me, still in line because I'm the loyal first-born, after some old broads fight two feet away over TWO-DOLLAR TOWELS & are yelling in some kind of dialect only native to a Bigfoot bumpkin species...
EVERY SECOND OF THE NIGHT: Every Wal-Mart employee to customers, the Walton family, each other, etc....
7:55PM: Me to the feisty farm folk getting a tad too rowdy in line around the woman who birthed me, & for a $200 Dell...   
9:22PM: Me to the cashier when we finally made it ten years later to the register (I've worked in retail plenty, don't worry, I was nice)...
9:49PM: Me towards the farm folk recognized earlier from Wal-Mart while I was trying to enjoy a Braum's cheeseburger...

10:00PM: Me to my sister when she suggests that we go check out ANOTHER local Wal-Mart for sh*ts & giggles...
11:11PM: Me finally at home & realizing that I'm A) not a Wal-Mart employee, & B) now have American Horror Story, Modern Family, Gravity, Titanic (SPECIAL EDITION!), & Inception, among many irrelevant others, on supa-cheap DVD...

And now... 
This is me, finishing up this post, & remembering the misery that I earned for a few DVD's from Wal-Mart's Black Friday, the employees that night who earned a pay stub equivalent to a Golden Corral dinner (for no more than four), & alas, the 1%'ers that subsequently earned a few several more pieces of art for good 'ole Crystal Bridges.