Sunday, June 8, 2014

The Story Of My Life As Told By Jack Dawson...

Being sick in bed all day obviously leads to Titanic & googling Jack Dawson... 

When the cashier at the CVS off Mockingbird voluntarily hates on Chelsea Handler before scanning the magazine being purchased with Chelsea's face on it.

Opening the door after 20 doorbell dings to find Mormon Elders at 8AM on a Saturday 

When a friend snags one of the last cronuts from Glazed in Deep Ellum for you

When my iPhone was found by someone drunker than me at #DCHProm2014 

Any normal girl's initial reaction to their best friend succeeding at a diet

If I were to try to ever pose sexy or do the duck face

Regretting Black Friday every single year the moment that I walk into the store

When checking my depressing 24-year-old bank account

The moment of walking through the door after a night of Spanx

Me. Every night. To my dog. 

Being the only sober one when it's time for last call

When beating that angry driver to the last open gas pump

The face of female confidence for the 7 hours after leaving the salon; 5 tops if it's summer time in Texas.  

Finding 50 selfies of you & your Uber driver the next morning

Waiting for a cab & instantly feeling that the creepy bar guy is back, & your stealth attempt at an escape has failed

When your younger sister photoshops the cat over your face in family Christmas cards one year

Experiencing the bliss of being single & able to eat a whole cake at home alone

Arriving to an event early & having to wait on your fun friends

When the fun friends finally show up

When the Goodwill cashiers make up ten different prices for ten identical items

Basically my bangs in the 7th grade after a tragic attempt at wispies 

Hearing that the mean girl from jr. high recently birthed a 5th creature by a 5th baby daddy

Anytime I played with Nerf Water Blasters in the 90s

Being informed that the secret cupcakes are out at Sprinkles