My formerly secret but now public friendship/spirit animal/bridesmaid potential tests now exposed:
(Side note for the humorless or sensitive people regarding the following material dripping with sarcasm: while the following possess some truth, I'm not Regina George & when hanging out with anybody chances are that I'm thinking about my next meal or Phoebe, & not what you're doing, so don't be afraid.)
1) A GOODWILL SCAVENGER HUNT...
- This is a really good test of friendship for me... If I'm genuinely laughing (brownie points to anybody funny enough to make my nostrils involuntarily but subtly flare) and comfortable/not bored on a potentially-competitive thrift shopping adventure, whether we're brunch-buzzed or sober, and I can peruse (and subsequently purchase) potential dead people's clothing with no feelings of judgment from you, then I consider you my friend.
- Additional steps toward spirit animal status... if we both end up buying something and end up borrowing each other's stuff later on. Guaranteed spirit animal confirmation if you're game for a buzzed Goodwill field trip off Harry Hines.
2) PLUCKERS CHICKEN WINGS...
- If we visit one of my Dallas faves, Pluckers, for a sober daytime lunch, order delivery to a private, judgment-free zone, grub out wasted at 3AM (Spirit Animal status if you finish all of the celery/ranch with me), or pick it up to-go for enjoyment at another public location during the daytime, like a park, and I'm uncomfortable or even slightly care about wiping my mild wing sauce as opposed to licking it off like an animal, then I can assure you we are merely acquaintances, and may never be friends.
- But if I've been/continue to go with you to Pluckers at 3AM on multiple occasions, I know how you like your wings/side/beer/vice-versa, and/or you have ever challenged me to a wing-eating contest, we have solid friendship confirmation.
- And if you are a loyal Pluckers Club card-carrying fan like myself or have more card points than me, and/or you can consume more draft beer/wings than me at any time/to the point where I'm disappointed in my skills, and/or you consider eating chicken wings as a hobby, absolute spirit animal status confirmed and you will probably be one of my bridesmaids.
- These last kind of spirit animals are rare, I know maybe 4; finding a trusted Pluckers wingman (ha) is a never ending adventure/test. Fun fact: I'll never be able to trust you if I can't eat wings like a man in front of you.
- Drunken text and/or social media messages: We are acquaintances (but potentially new friends just starting out) if you respond the next day or at all, really, to my generic "I looooovvefeef youuuuu" et al, with "hey sorry I was asleep, did you have fun last night?" ...No, I was at home tweedling my thumbs and today I'm running a marathon... I obviously had fun and am obviously not functioning at the moment. Do not waste the energy of your thumbs or my iPhone's battery charge.
- If you get a string of hot mess(ages), look at me with the puns today, one long dramatic one that I absolutely won't feel the same way about in 24 hours, an embarrassing selfie or chicken wing instagram, and you either politely delete them/do not respond because you know momma's routine, you were with me, you just don't care because you're smart enough to silence your phone at night, OR you respond to any of my communications with something equally funny or dramatic, we're friends, potentially best friends, I'm probably a big fan of you and/or can see your spirit animal potential, so keep up the good work.
- If I'm on vacation, you're only getting a response if you're on my favorites list so consider yourself a bridesmaid if I'm skiing it up or beaching it up and we have daily conversations.
- Additionally, if we text a few times a week, you're a good friend of mine. If we exchange 20+ texts a day, you're at bestie/bridesmaid status. If I respond to your text within 30 seconds, spirit animal status confirmed. And if we rarely communicate but you call me and subsequently leave a voicemail, I'm probably looking for a voodoo doll and am concerned about your social skills.
- Lastly, and most importantly, if we occasionally communicate solely in memes or gifs, send each other genuine/handwritten Christmas cards/Valentines Day cards/Birthday cards, and/or Insta-direct each other mortifying triple chin selfies for sh*ts and giggles, you've been at spirit animal status for a while. Congrats.
- If I can comfortably sport my grungiest sweats around you, Nike shorts exposing possible Duck Dynasty men-length leg hairs in public, go braless for a movie marathon on the couch, or walk around you sober with no pants on then you might just be one of my basic b*tches.
- Additionally, if we essentially share wardrobes from borrowing so much and/or you don't judge my decision to throw on dirty laundry last-minute because I'm a procrastinating animal then you might be the Thelma to my Louise. And if you haven't ever done any of the above and are judging then I suggest you be part of a sorority or find some better friends.
- Lastly, if I can shop for my true clothing size judgment-free with you, we can be honest with each other in terms of questionable outfit choices, and/or we go to the mall but ultimately end up brunching or ice-skating then you've secured my trust and are at bridesmaid-status.
5) MOVIES, TELEVISION & HUMOR...
- If we have the same kind of cynical, dark, deadpan, sarcastic, etc. humor; you find people falling in public (except the elderly), and/or the epic fail clips on youtube to be as funny as I do sober; and/or you share my obsession with a thriller/twisted horror flick & wine marathon, then you're a rare gem and I may or may not thank God for you during bedtime prayers. Superior spirit animal status.
- If I can binge-watch Parks & Rec, OITNB, Inside Amy Schumer, Bridesmaids, 30 Rock, Full House, The Good Wife, any conspiracy, political, or biographical documentary, Weeds, United States of Tara, The Sopranos, Girls, An Idiot Abroad, The Office, Breaking Bad, any Laura Linney or Sandy Bullock flick, and/or you're willing to appreciate The Squid and the Whale, my all-time favorite, then we're at BFF status.
- Spirit animal status confirmed if I can binge-watch any of these judgment-free with no pants on or braless, while putting away half a menu's worth of Chinese food, or if I can watch a funny scene I've seen 90 times straight-faced without laughing but not feel uncomfortable because you know I've seen it and am not suicidal or emotionally disturbed, just familiar.
- Bridesmaid/spirit animal status if... I can snot cry freely during Stepmom or My Sister's Keeper, we share an unhealthy obsession with Dumb & Dumber/Lloyd Christmas quotes and/or Titanic or Home Alone 1 or 2, or we have similar IMDB lists and/or you have the IMDB app icon on your main phone screen, too.
6) ADDITIONAL CONSIDERATIONS...
- If you prefer $7.99 bottles of Turning Leaf Cab Sauv to unknown $100 reds with same taste/effect, we have friendship. Spirit animal status? You know and/or embrace that I refuse to drink red wine cold and/or white wine hot. Bridesmaid status? I can enjoy my wine with a giant, buttered steak, 500 garlic-saturated sides, and/or entire tub of ice cream or Nutella for desert, in your presence, judgment-free.
- If I can belt Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls with full-on emotion, the only song that I'll ever semi-publicly sing, and/or comfortably hum a Journey/Spice Girls/NSYNC/Backstreet Boys jam, and I have fun doing it, you might as well go ahead and schedule your bridesmaid gown fittings (or suit, ya never know) because it's a sealed deal.
- If I let you scroll through the photos or texts on my phone with no hesitation, let alone be on my phone for longer than 10 minutes without any paranoid hovering over your shoulder despite me having nothing but photos of my dog or DCH people in the icloud, you might want to see if there's a halo around your head because you just might be baby Jesus.
- Lastly, if I can sit in complete and total silence with you & have no awkward feelings for longer than 5 minutes, it's friendship. For an hour roadtrip? Spirit animal status. For a 5-hour hungover drive home from ATX or Houston? Bridesmaid status times ten.
And for your pleasure, my favorite, overused, friendship meme...