Friday, June 27, 2014

are you my future roommate?

Alright you guys... as my writing class character Sage would put it, I'm on the cusp of earthly success. Really, I am. Many good things have happened in the last week and I'm turning over a new leaf. But with any yin there's a yang. Always. In my life at least. And I'm not sure which one is supposed to be the pain-in-the-ass one, but finding an apartment/roommate is my bad one.

As much as I would love to live by myself, for one it's just too expensive, as I'll never be at home, and two, I've seen way too many crime shows; I like the comfort in knowing that if my roommate hasn't seen me in a week or so (s)he could do a courtesy body check for my parents. However, I've had so many bad roommate experiences in the past that I just cringe at the thought of settling with just anybody, even if it's just for a month or so 'til I find the perfect Dallas abode this fall.

So... I made a list of the most important things I think of/am looking for when it comes to a roommate, and if you meet at least 70% of the requirements please contact me. I can assure you the karma gods will reward you immensely.

1. SLEEP - I am rarely home as staying busy out and about keeps me productive. With this being said, I need my sleep to function. And by sleep I mean seven hours minimum of uninterrupted, Ambien-induced zzz's at night. No knocking on my door, no loud karaoke-ing in the shower, no organizing stainless steel pots and pans in the kitchen, etc. after 11PM. That is all I've ever asked and I think I've had maybe one roommate of the past fulfill this dream of mine. Because trust me, this momma will turn into your worst, raging nightmare if I'm sleep-deprived.

2. FRIENDSHIP - Yes, we have to like each other somewhat to be roommates. I'm all about being cordial with the person sleeping ten feet away from me. However, we cannot be best friends. When I get home late at night after a long day you cannot be offended if I go straight to my room and Netflix it up without saying a word. It's nothing against you, I'm just an extrovert publicly and an extreme introvert when at home. Of course we can have the occasional wine/movie nights on the couch, go grocery shopping together every so often, and text memes back and forth all day. But for the sake of having a stress-free living situation, we simply cannot be Thelma and Louise.

3. DOOR - This one goes along with the previous one. Sort of. If my door is open and/or unlocked, feel free to come on in and tell me about your day (unless I'm in bed with the lights out and Netflix on, then just email me about your day and I'll respond within a reasonable time, depending on your scenario). But I need my "me time," so if my door is closed/locked and you're not bleeding/dying/crying/burning, it's best for both of us to just keep that door shut. I'll leave it all to your interpretation but just trust me on this one.

4. CLEANLINESS - When it comes to my room, I'm EXTREMELY clean and OCD about keeping things organized. However, I don't care if your room is a damn zoo. You can have piles of laundry everywhere. I don't care. As long as you aren't affecting my queen bed, keep on keepin' on. To each his own. Seriously. And I love to vacuum so I've got that covered for both of us in terms of the whole place. Now I can't handle trash smells so if you're bad about taking the trash out when it's your turn, I will. Don't worry, though, it may be taken care of but I'll be super passive-aggressive about it. Also I'm a fan of partying with friends at the bars, not at the casa. Casual dinner parties and low-key Sunday brunches? Sign me up. Having your friends over for Girls or SNL? You go for it! I probably won't even be at home. But I will flip my sh*t if I wake up to a frat house on a Sunday morning. After four years of SMU, I'll be okay if I never see another red solo cup or step on another sticky floor again. Not a prude, I'm all about friendship and rainbows, but not a fan of wild animals in my personal space.

5. KITCHEN - I love to cook but like I said, I'm never home. So if you like to cook, great. Fabulous. We can schedule a wine/dinner date once or twice a month. I'm always down. I also love to bake so maybe that could be a roomie bonding thing, too. I eat out a lot and always bring home leftovers. Why? Because I'm going to eat them the next day when I'm in a hurry. SO DON'T EAT THEM IF THEY'RE LABELED. I label things. It's become a habit after past roommate situations. But if it's not labeled and/or I tell you that you can have it, go for it, sister (or brother). I'm also all about buying groceries in bulk to save a dime or two, so Costco roomie dates could be a possibility.

6. MANNERS - If you're just a nice human and respect my wishes above, we will be perfect roommates. I'm extremely laid back and open-minded about almost anything when it comes to roommates. But I am not a fan of people assuming that they can use something of mine "because we live together." If you simply ask or shoot me a text if I'm not home, you can absolutely use my Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Apple TV, shampoo, straightener, clothes, jewelry, toothbrush, dirty socks, toilet paper, maybe even bed, whatever, you get the picture. I don't care what it is. If you need it, I'll gladly let you use it. I'm a weirdo that notices the slightest earring out of place or dress missing. Again, this is pure conditioning from horrible roommate pasts, so all I ask is that you ask.

So... if I don't sound like a complete and total lunatic to you, contact me at your earliest convenience. I promise I will buy you Pluckers and bring home cupcakes and surprise you with wine and DVDs if you're an awesome human/roommate. And willing to live within a five-mile radius of downtown Dallas. Specifically Deep Ellum. And I'm not high-maintenance or wanting anything fancy, so as long as our abode has a decent pool and there aren't too many gunshots nearby, we're golden.