Thursday, May 15, 2014

Two Cops & No McDonalds...

The universe was extra rude to me tonight, you guys... I left the DCH around 11:30PM after a long but fun night of writing and post-class improv jamming, and was headed back to my current (but DEFINITELY temporary) residence in lovely East Texas. (Sarcastic font greatly needed for the word 'lovely' here. We need to stop joking about this font idea and start creating this sarcasm necessity). Anyways, I hadn't eaten all day and the only thing I had touched this morning before the busy day began was some cold leftover rice-a-roni noodle things, and about six steamed broccoli/cauliflower florets covered in Tony Chachere's seasoning from a steam-in-the-bag. And yes, I totally just linked the Tony C website because everyone deserves to have this gem of a seasoning in their life if they don't already.

So midway home I exited off towards this gas station I always stop at that has a drive-thru McDonalds attached to it. All I wanted were some damn chicken nuggets and french fries. That's it. A 10-piece would be stretching it, and cheating, I know, but I needed some brain food so that I could safely drive home, yes? Yes. Well... the first thing that the underpaid teenage girl mumbles from the cracked speaker when I pulled up was, "Welcome to McDonalds, before I take your order I must let you know that we can only take cash tonight. Sorry for any inconvenience. What would you like?" Umm... well honestly I'd like an ATM machine to pop out of nowhere because I never have cash on me. Never. Everyone knows this. It's a huuuge occasion for me to have cash money in my possession, which is also why I'm always getting slapped with parking tickets downtown. Go figure. And so I sadly lowered my voice, dropped my head, and responded with the most depressing, "Aw, geeze, well, I only have a card, so no thank you I guess..." in some psychotic hope that a McD wizard would magically come across the speaker with, "It's okay, Mallory, what do you want? It's on the house tonight!"

The magic wizard didn't happen, so ten minutes later I'm zipping down 30-East towards Texarkana/bullshit nowhere, on a mission to pull over in my second McDonalds attempt of the evening. I had just went over the double Lake Ray Hubbard bridges in Rockwall, which might I add, the full-moon-shining-over-the-lake scene tonight was pretty spectacular, when low and behold, a few miles from Greenville/Royse City-ish those dreaded and ultra-dramatic red and blue lights came flaring up out of nowhere in my rearview mirror. Naturally I start cussing aloud with, "Really? What in the f*ck did I do wrong? Jesus Christ come onnnnnn!" in Annie Walker from Bridesmaids tone; I'm just trying to get to my chicken McNuggets! I'm also trying to figure out what in the heck the problem was considering that tonight, in some rare occasion (a true blessing from the big man upstairs, I believe), I was driving at the speed limit, had all the necessary tags, lights on, you-name-it, and had done nothing illegal nor was doing anything illegal. For once I was completely innocent and greatly confused.

I pulled over at grandma speed, flipped my flashers on like a responsible driver, and grabbed my insurance paper and DL that has the most God-awful picture of me ever. (And don't mumble, "everybody's license pic is bad!" as you read this because no, my gender is almost not immediately recognizable due to a slicked back ponytail I decided to sport at 16 when I had it processed). Anyways, the DPS trooper was a handsome fella, I must say, and was a complete gentleman. I have the "get pulled over and get out of it" act down to a tee but my tears and/or an awkward, "But I just started my period and..." story weren't even needed on this one because the guy was so forgiving of my poor envoy having one tiny license plate light out. I didn't even know there were lights on those damn things but whatever. He said a professional goodnight as I said my love-at-first-sight goodnight back to him; I was on the road again, determined to get to my french fries and faux chicken in the only next "major" town that I knew had a McD.

Well, just as I'm a few teeny tiny miles from Commerce, where my 4-piece kids nugget meal with a serving size of fries designed for an ant would be waiting on me (I've downsized meal portion rapidly throughout the night because two previous attempts were voided, out of my control, so I assumed the asshole paleo spirits were trying to toil with me and I was willing to compromise at this point) when of course those dreaded and ultra-dramatic red and blue lights came flaring up out of nowhere in my rearview mirror. Not kidding. Was this a joke? Can a girl not just drive home peacefully and have some McDonalds along the way without any harassment? I was listening to contemporary worship songs from church camp decades ago at this point. Seriously. Shocker, I know.

But I did the drill, showed the prick of a wannabe-cop my paper warning from the handsome devil that stopped me fifteen minutes earlier, and answered several unnecessary questions (which he said in such an antagonizing and condescending tone) from him like, "So where do you live at exactly? Is that where you're actually heading? Did you grow up there?" ... Still didn't get a ticket, though, luckily. And surprisingly. Because this one was a real piece of work. And he needed to wax his unibrow. Better yet, he needed to wax his entire mouth off because he picked the wrong girl to not only A) interrogate irrationally without my uncle Carl or jovial Jon present but B) abruptly ruin any last attempts of at scoring nuggets for herself for the day, because I was done. I just wanted to be home at this point so that I could obviously vehemently type this blog post to vent my frustrations. I also just devoured half of the leftovers in the fridge so any food gods that were playing games with me tonight can go suck it. And you all best believe that I'll be getting that freaking light fixed ASAP tomorrow because never do I ever want to be pulled over twice again in one night, ESPECIALLY if I'm hungry for McDonalds.

I sounded ratchet this entire post, so I semi-apologize, but the pictures below were chosen to best describe my current state/feelings/outlook on the world... Enjoy.