Friday, May 9, 2014

Bikini Car Wash Auditions...

PSA- I haven't fully slept in about three days so I'm hoping that this post will make some sort of sense.  Again, I apologize in advance.

So I spent the entire day with my younger sister doing errands and whatnot in the tiny, boring town of Sulphur Springs, Texas.  I turn twenty-four in exactly one week so ya know what my birthday present was this year from my parents?  A new set of tires for the Envoy.  Yep.  And while I am beyond grateful and appreciative I sadly now know that I've reached an adult age where the presents are only going to get more serious from here on.  No more booze or bounce houses!  And in addition to getting the new tires, my sister had to get an oil change/inspection/something rather on her car, which led us to my favorite king of capitalism... WALMART!  *cue the dracula music*

(As Lily Allen would sing, "if you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood.")

I try to be a lover, and not a hater, but dear sweet baby Jesus I despise Walmart with every fiber of my being.  I would rather gnaw my pinky toe off than be trapped in a Walmart shit hole for longer than ten minutes.  Just typing about it gives me anxiety, you guys...

Anywho, as my sister and I pull in the back of the ratchet auto center to park her car before we head to lunch, we're approached by two employees that were smiling a little intensely and appeared to be on a mission.  Now... ever since we were born my sister has been the introverted, no-B.S., number-crunching, confident sister that has never given a damn about what anyone else thinks.  And I only wish that I could have more of her b*tch factor in this sense.  I on the other hand have always been the car salesman/people person of the family, and I'll talk to anything with a heartbeat.  So, naturally, I smile/greet 'em back while Sylvia** (names have been changed to protect the innocent; Sylvia was the suggestion by my mother) is glued to her iPhone, not thinking twice about ignoring them.  (Stephanie Tanner saying "how rude!" probably popped into your mind after picturing that.)  But nope.  Sylvia was the smarter shrew on this one, because do you know what these two psychopaths asked us to do?

BE BIKINI CAR WASH STRIPPERS AT A BIKER GANG CHARITY EVENT
ON LAKE FORK TOMORROW.   And they were dead serious.  I am not even joking, guys.

...I'm sorry but as for me, they asked the WORST girl in the world to do that, as we all know I'm a women's rights prude.  Also, not that I'm body-shaming myself but I am no shape to tan nude on my private patio, let alone GET NAKED IN FRONT OF HORNY ZOO ANIMALS.

Now to be fair, the girl was missing one of her front teeth, and quite frankly she was just a younger version of Mama June from Honey Boo Boo.  And the man, well, go google "Texas trailer park trash" and you'll get an idea.  Therefore, I couldn't be offended in that sense and think that they were making fun of me or something on a candid camera.

But, being the charming asshole that I tend to be I just smiled, acted extremely interested, and even "saved" the girl's phone number in my iPhone after Sylvia still wasn't looking up to acknowledge these delusional buffoons.  Typical.  

An awkward minute or so passes as they continue to bribe us to come, and at this point, Sylvia and I are about to have muscle spasms in our face from holding in the laughter.  I know that my face was red, and my emotions are always portrayed through my facials, but they still weren't picking up on the thanks-but-no-thanks vibes.  And at this point Sylvia was just reveling in watching me B.S. RSVP to these weirdos so that we could get the heck up out of there.  I mean really, I don't go to Walmart for anything, but I REALLY don't go to Walmart to get harassed.  And as soon as we escaped a few moments later, I went into offended activist mode, texting my mom an over exaggerated novel of our experience; all while Sylvia had already forgotten about what had just happened and was too busy downloading crap from iTunes to even be phased.  Again, typical.

Needless to say, I only wish that each and every one of you reading this half-assed post could've been there to witness the awkward conversation in person, because it was so. dang. funny.  And absolutely prevented any future Walmart visits from ever happening again.  Ever.